13th December 1993 to 25th December 2019.
For about 26 years and 12 days, I've journeyed through a life worth living.
At the beginning of this post, when I was framing this sentence in my head, I went for, "I've lived a happy life" then thought, scratch that I was not fully happy. No one can really be. Then I went for "I've lived a life I am proud of". Scratch that, I was not fully proud of every decision I made or every step I have taken. Sometimes it is hard to be proud of our not-very-good selves. At the end of multiple such adjectives, I have realized that no matter the state of mind at any particular moment, or my passing through any phase, it felt like a life worth living. So there we go, for 26 years and 12 days my existence had a meaning. My coordinates at that point had a meaning, and honestly, I thought the word 'I' had a meaning.
When I started this post it was 3rd May 2023 and on 13th December 2023; exactly 225 days I will turn 30 and, there were rarely any days in the last 3.5 years where I wished those particular bad days did not see the light of tomorrow.
3.5 years.
3.5 years is a long time to be lost.
It is a long time to feel out of your body, soul wandering places, places darker than the last and showing you the uglier and uglier parts of everything you've spent your entire life avoiding and swerving about. But that is the cruel play of the universe. The fear and pain always catch up to us and there is no way out than through it. Will you come out of it, scratched scarred but breathing or will you burn on your way out?..... that is yet to be seen!
Today when I resumed this blogpost it has been a whole year; 1st May 2024 and even though life has not improved for me, I have begun to understand the meaning of adulthood, of the fickle nature of things and how one moment, the world is your stage and another moment, everything can come crashing down around you. I cry lesser, I react lesser and I shake lesser in fear. I've begun to gain some of the weight I have lost during the most traumatic last 18 months of my life and I am little bit more ready to face life no matter what happens. I have lost so much hope, so many of my dreams, much health in these last months that there is lesser and lesser to lose as you look ahead and everything feels manage-able because what could possibly be worse than the place I am trapped in other than death? And death, with just a little bit notice and not a lot of suffering - I welcome it, though I am sure a simple painless death is not something a lot of us will be blessed with.
I finally understand why there is so much suffering the world and why people go through so much trauma and pain even though there are unlimited shared experiences out there -- warnings, red flags and things that you should never get into and never get yourself into. I myself have claimed that I will NEVER accept something in life, will NEVER let things to happen to me and honestly life is SO CRUEL that it is almost FUNNY. Surely all that loss of breathe from my body and gut is because I am laughing uncontrollably?
But as I said, now I am 30 really and I genuinely think, for better or worse, I am stronger and more number to the immense pain that everyone said i'd feel if i were alone. First the first 2-3 years after mum left this world, I thought I actually couldn't handle life alone and that I would succumb and die soon. I thought everything would get better if I find another soul who knows and understands pain and suffering, then this life would be worth investing in again because you try and be a better person to help them, save them and share the moments of joy, sorrow, pain and desire together. But God (if there ever was one) had different plans for me. I wonder if it is essential to learn that at the end of the day you have to live for yourself and know yourself enough to wake up for another day. After all, I always wished my mum prioritised herself, took some care of herself and healed herself so that this day of my utter loneliness would never come. We made beautiful pacts, that we could always go when life was hard and that I will always be with her and leave with her when the time came; and then the time came and I did not know how to go. I was scared and paralysed not knowing what she would have wanted. Me leaving with her (and after her) meant everything she has ever sacrificed for me to be who I am today would be wasted and if the day indeed comes where I know it is time to leave, I will actually try to live a little bit without fear, try to learn what is being able to take care of something/someone without fear of abandonment or being taken advantage of and understanding if there ever is something called contentment, how does one teach themselves to learn it.
And as I mentioned, I think I know better now. Not a whole lot but just a little bit. I definitely know what everyday should not feel like; going to bed hoping that you wake up and everything was just a nightmare and that you get to go back to a few years before. You tell yourself not to cry and let it go because there are not a lot of tears left and crying would give you a migraine and you will not be able to show up for work yet another day; you want to invest in yourself and try to move more, dance more or shut up more because you hope that you will regain confidence and stop doubting yourself more and one day be able to stand up against the demons that are putting you down and walk free once again. Can I do it right away? I am scared but I am much more in that place today than ever before. Watching your life pass before you and years move infront of you can have a significant effect on building up your strength and believing in yourself -- if only you build and nurture the muscle that made you the woman you were 4 years ago.
All hasn't been lost or wasted though, I have learnt so much about life along the way and a few of my core beliefs were shaken enough for them to be re-evaluated and reformed.
Not a single evidence throughout the history of the world suggests that life is fair and what you give is not always what you get. Some love is conditional and some of it is unconditional. You don't have to be a great person to be loved or adored and you being a good person doesn't guarantee you the love you think you deserve. You don't live a 100 years if you always done the right thing, ate the right food and stayed away from dangerous habits and you will not die even after years and years of abusing materials; your family is ruined and there will be generational trauma, but hey that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. The more selfish you are, the more likely your life will be a breeze and the more you concern yourself with morals and ethics, the more you will be restless and written for more pain and suffering. You work harder and you save more doesn't mean you will be the one who will enjoy the fruit of your efforts; infact the more you live on loans and in luxury, the better it is for you because if you die tomorrow, atleast you lived a life unlike the poor souls who save and save only to die in misery, since at the end of the day everyone dies and might as well live in luxury and leave the rest of the people around you to suffer from your choices and your habits and lifestyle while you continue to live your life monarch style.
There is literally NO RIGHT OR WRONG. Everyone does what they want and rules of what the society made you believe are set by people richer, more powerful or stronger than the others in the absence of resistance! Even the simplest so called traditions during weddings and any event in India are absolutely a ridicule and they are changed completely to the whims of people who are stronger and have more control and power over others. All of them are to put a certain section of humans down and controlled and the same rules will be changed for their loved ones or those they care for.. and if the others or people 'lesser' than you do one thing wrong; apparently they go to hell. BULLSHIT, NO THANKS. Nobody's life is the same and everyone follows rules until they either outgrow in their rank, wealth or power or until they don't suit them anymore. No two people even from the same household turn out the same and the same water produces beautifully fragrant flowers and on the other hand extremely toxic leaves and roots. No two lives that started the same way will traverse the same way and just because you are lost at one point doesn't mean your whole life is over. With enough grace from the universe and trust in yourself, you can always restart and rebuild.
Cry, but wipe your tears and sleep. Fall but get up again. If you are ready to pick up a knife to kill you, you can also pack your bag and travel and serve the poor and help people. As long as there are no kids dependent on you, and lives attached to you, YOU are a free person and you own your life to you. You owe it your own self and people who have sacrificed for you and loved you to live a life that you don't regret. And this is my mantra as I navigate my 30s. As long as you don't hurt another person, live your life, do not let anyone control you, do not let anyone else tell you how to live and do not be taken advantage of or be talked to a certain way -- You are good/you will be fine. Do not doubt yourself, do not let your past mistakes affect you, always be ready to learn from your mistakes and hold your head high, keep your worth up, be humble, modest and always choose the right company. Surround yourself with people who respect you, talk positive things, lift you up and make you want to be better. Work with love and passion and get up everyday even though its hard and one day it will be easy. One can turn their life around at any time at any point and you ONLY have today in your hands and nothing about tomorrow is guaranteed. You may have heard it many many times but you will only grasp its true meaning when you are ready for it and this has been the biggest standstill and a turning point for me in life.. yet !! and now I know, that nothing is set in stone and YOU DO YOU. You live your truth and live it well.
..because fool yourself all you want, you know what right feels like !!
